Yes, I'm an Okie!

While you can't hear me cracking up, I really am. My sister who lives in Kansas (sorry we beat you, although I'm glad we won) sent me this. Enjoy! (((GO SOONERS!!)))

This is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Oklahoma, which is celebrating its centennial this year...

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Oklahoma.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Oklahoma.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Oklahoma.

If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Oklahoma.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Oklahoma. ((Oh, I soooo do this.)

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Oklahoma. ((Since moving to VA, in the last 6 months, I've hit three birds under the same bridge during the same time of day. I'm beginning to think there is a bird conspiracy out to teach me not to close my eyes and scream when I hit a bird.))

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live Oklahoma.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Oklahoma. ((Umm, no. Using jumper cables is such a boy job.))

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Oklahoma.

If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly," you may live in Oklahoma. ((What! 60 degrees is freakin' freezing.))

If you see a tornado warning on the television but don't get too awfully excited about it until you actually SEE it coming toward you, you may live in Oklahoma. ((Have you ever seen circulation in the clouds? It's amazing. Check it out during the next tornado storm. Hubby used to video it.))

If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Okie friends & others, you definitely live in Oklahoma. We're friendly folks! ((And what did I do? Post them on my blog.))

Rules of Oklahoma
1. Pull up your droopy pants. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, & I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. ((I had a sample of champagne cheese today at Costco. Don't think I'm cultured enough to appreciate the taste.))

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce!! Oh, yeah . . . We don't care what folks in Cincinnati call that stuff they eat . . . IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in the West . . . and real chili never met a tomato!

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she'd better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. College and high school football & basketball is important here and fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Oklahoma State University and the University of Oklahoma . They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. We have lots of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, so "Don't Mess with Oklahoma." If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

~~*~~

This afternoon some tele-marketer called my house asking for my husband. I said, "He's not available, but you might try back tomorrow or next week." Then the guy thanked me for being so polite because I was the first non-rude person he'd spoken to today. I told him he was sweet. Then thanked him for calling and told him to have a nice day.

I should have told him I am polite to annoying telemarketers because that's how we're raised in Oklahoma. Or at least that's how I was raised.

Then again, I did tell that other telemarketer the other day that I was the nanny when she wanted to talk to Mrs. Welborn. Well, I am the nanny. I just didn't mention all the other titles I have, including wife and homeowner. This is why they tell witnesses in court to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Why reinvent the wheel?

A couple years ago, a British author recommended a medieval she said nailed the whole medieval thing, especially dialogue. I hurried to the book store to buy the book (a huge thing because I'm cheap when it comes to buying books, so I only spend $ on ones I desperately want). Would you believe it too me longer to find the book than it did to read the first page...and put the book back on the shelf.

The author had a freakin' dictionary in the back.

I've never claimed to be a genius, although I have often claimed moments of brilliance which are far more frequent than any of my friends will admit to. But I'm also not an idiot. So somewhere in the middle between genius and idiot is me: the average American chick. If I have to turn to the back of a pleasure-reading book to figure out what the word the heroine just said meant, then I ain't gonna read that book.

And if I have to verbally read the book to figure out what Scarlett's maid is saying, I ain't gonna read that book.

Are you getting me here? I'm a lazy reader. And I'm okay with it.

Actually, I'm really more of a lazy-but-analytical reader because I do enjoy reading into things and looking for symbolism. On a side note, if you have a teenager in your home and s/he's not doing to well in English, explain the concept of symbolism and encourage your student to look for it in whatever story s/he's reading. When writing a book review or essay, tack in something like..."XXX is symbolic for XXX." Then give a couple examples supporting the claim. Doesn't matter if the thing is really symbolic for whatever. Odds are your student's teacher will be so impressed that s/he used the word symbolic, that she'll give a nice red A+.

Trust me on this. I aced English all through-out school. Granted, my spelling usually dinged me from getting a perfect A, but still....that's why we have spell-checker and critique partners.

Anyoo, I came across a blog post this morning and thought, "Yes, that's my philosophy about writing historical fiction." Apparently I'm not the only person who doesn't like having to hire a translator to understand a historical fiction. So instead of reiterating what Tricia Goyer said, why doncha click on this link and read her brilliantly phrased post yourself?

http://favoritepastimes.blogspot.com/