It's a truth universally known and, unfortunately, not often followed: Graduation speeches should not last longer than ten minutes.
Despite the long and tedious speech given by the award-winning (and he told us enough times just in case we missed the first 13 mentions) women's basketball assistant coach at the University of Richmond, I was thrilled to see you accept your Presidential Academic Fitness Award.
Of course, if you got any other award, congrats on that/them too. I, sad to say, had to leave to be home for when your middle two siblings got home from school. Plus I really really deserved a frappachino for enduring that tediously long graduation speech.
Did you know the guy was voted Top Ten assistant coaches in the US?
Did you know he coached nine--yes, nine--gals who are now playing in the WNBA?
Did you know he was a walk-on at William and Mary?
Did you know he's an overachiever?
Do you even remember his name?
Do you even care?
But you looked cute accepting your award, and in the grand scheme of life, that's all that matters.
Now who wants pizza?
Yay, Matt!!! Way to go graduating the 8th grade at Byrd Middle School. Now it's on to Deep Run high school where you have the priviledge of becoming an under-age drinker like your fellow classmates. I'm proud of ya, boy (and I mean "boy" in the son sense, not any racial thing, then again, you are a pretty white boy, in the stark white skin kinda way, not in the pretty kinda way because that would just be gay of me to say, and I mean that in the current non-traditional meaning of the word, not the amended culturally acceptable, dictionary defying, twisted version of the word, and I mean twisted in the literal dictionary defination, not a play on words which thereby referred back to the word choic of gay, because my use of the latter was completely referring to the current slang meaning).