Loving Others Isn't Easy

I went to a ladies' fellowship at church recently where the speaker shared about love. Apparently Christians are supposed to "just do it." You know, LOVE OTHERS. Well, while I agreed with the gist of the talk, too many times I wanted to stand up and say, "Loving others is far harder than just doing it." Seriously.

If that weren't case, then why the heck is hypocrisy the #1 thing Christians are known for instead of love? (Yes, sometimes even I get annoyed at my points of arguments and occasional use of an almost-curse word.)

When I was in 8th grade, my Sunday School teacher came back from a conference where she learned about different spiritual gifts. She proceeded to tell us ours based on what she saw in our lives. I looked at her quite unimpressed and said, "Hey , if God wants me to know what my spiritual gift is, He'll tell me not you." She smiled to appease me I'm sure.

Needless to say, I didn't care for the spiritual gift I'd been designated as to having. What the world needs now is love, sweet love, so I decided love (the gift of compassion) was the best one to have. After all, didn't Paul of Tarsas write, "What if I speak in the most elegant languages of people or in the exotic languages of the heavenly messengers, but I live without love? Well then, anything I say is like the clanging of brass or crashing cymbal." (The Voice, Thomas Nelson)

In my childish determination to obtain the spiritual gift of compassion (love), I took spiritual gift analysis tests after tests. Got the same what-I-thought-was boring gift every time. Being one not easily dismayed, I decided to rig the test to get the desired results so I could say, "Look at that score, baby! I'm a lover not a fighter." Only problem is I couldn't even rig the gift into prominance. Why? Because, dang it, LOVING OTHERS IS FAR HARDER THAN RIGGING A TEST. Neither can you "just do it."

Listen, you can't force someone to love you anymore than you can force yourself to love others.

It's not that I was/am incapable of loving. I love my husband and our five kids. Love the dog (not the cat). Love my parents, sisters, sister-in-law. Love my friends. Love Laurie Alice Eakes even though she can sometimes be so utterly mean to me when she critiques my writing and tells me the red ink is for my own good. I even love the baristas at Starbucks who without complaint kindly divide my venti frappachino into two tall fraps while only charging me the venti price.

Just between the two of us, one person I've struggled in the last 16 years to love is my mother-in-law (MIL). Who among us can't agree? Not that you don't love my MIL but that you don't love yours. I can hear you thinking, "Gina, this is a public forum, anyone can read this so don't be so open and honest." Why not? I'm not the only person on this earth who has/had a loving-another-person problem.

Maybe it's not your MIL whom you struggle to love. Maybe it's your sexist boss, liberal wacko fem-nazi neighbor, bath-avoiding co-worker, unsaved husband, whiney child(ren), Cousin Eddie, stupid parent(s), snide ex-whatever, or even that barista at Starbucks who puts some type of crack in your coffee that makes you continually go back for more. We ALL have someone in our lives who drive us insane. Grrrr.

Loving people we like is easy. Loving people we don't like, who annoy us, who hurt or abuse us is near impossible.

For years my hubby would say, "Gina, you don't have to like Mom. You just have to love her." Whatever. Platititudes are platitudes 'cause the platitude don't change any attitude. Sadly, this "you don't have to like 'em but you do have to love 'em" platitude is what I'd heard in church for 30+ years. I think it's got to be one of the stupidest statements ever. As long as you despise/dislike/can't stand the person, you'll never be able to truly love him.

In his book BLUE LIKE JAZZ, Donald Miller expressed it this way:

"The problem with Christian community was that we had ethics, we had rules and laws and principles to judge each other against. There was love in the Christian community, but it was a conditional love. Sure, we called it unconditional, but it wasn't....If [people] were bad and rich, they were called evil. If they were bad and poor, they were charity. Christianity was always right; we were always looking down on everybody else."

Not pleasant to hear is it, eh? Even I, at this moment, want to defend the Christian community. Oh sure some people are like that but not everyone. Don't throw out the whole bushel because of one or two rotten fruit.

Donald Miller went on to write: "The problem with Christian community is that we think of love as a commodity....The church used love like money. With love, we withheld affirmation from the people who did not agree with us, but we lavishly financed the ones who did."

As I read that, I realized I was withholding love for my MIL in hopes that she'd become who I wanted her to be--in other words, to become worthy of my love. My love for her was conditional. If she made me happy, I loved her. If she didn't, I withheld. God's love isn't conditional. God has never withheld His love from me to teach me a lesson or to make me become who He wanted me to be. I've always considering my flaws--while annoying in others--to be adorable in myself, but at that moment of truth of realizing how conditional my love was, I knew exactly how Job felt when he said, "I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You. Therefore I abhor myself and repent in dust and ashes."

My MIL didn't need to change. I did. Only through repentance did I finally feel free to love. And not just my MIL. Anyone. Everyone. In fact, once I changed, I realized what an amazing woman my MIL is, despite our differences. I am blessed to have her in my life.

Relationships, as Miller wrote, are pretty simple: Nobody will listen to you unless they sense that you like them.

Key words there are UNLESS THEY SENSE. You can say you like them, but if they don't sense acceptance from you, sweetheart, your words are clanging brass.

Once you learn you're free to love, you'll realize it's NOT your freakin' responsibility to judge, discipline, or change another person. That's God's job. Do you hear me, THAT'S GOD'S JOB. But how much easier--no, safer--is it to not associate with the liberal fem-nazi, the girl with the nose ring and tattoos covering her entire left arm, the gay co-worker who enjoys sharing his weekend exploits, the Christian blogger who often says freakin'/heck/dang, or the mother-in-law who finds fault in everything you do and has no shame in daily reminding you (mine never did that).

Haven't you been warned at church to stay away from the world? From the sinful people in the world? From the sinful people in the public school system? Protect your children. Evil company corrupts good character. Follow the commandments, tithe your 10%, don't miss Sunday church services, don't drink wine or watch anything on NBC, read your Bible every day, do those things that show you're a good Christian.

Somewhere in following all those religious rules and regulations, we lost what really matters to God. Our hearts. Loving people regardless of their _______ and regardless of how they hurt us.

"Two thousand years ago God started a revolt against the religion He started. So don't ever put it past God to cause a groundswell movement against churches and Christian institutions that bear His name. If He was willing to turn Judaism upside down, don't think for a moment our institutions are safe from a divine revolt. I'm convinced that even now there are multitudes of followers of Jesus Christ who are sick and tired of the church playing games and playing down the call of God. My travels only confirm that the murmurings of a revolution are everywhere. I am convinced that there is an uprising in the works and that no one less than God is behind it." ~Erwin McManus

Just as the church is often guilty today, a vast majority of religious leaders in Jesus' time put all their stock in following the rules, rituals, traditions, Commandments, programs, and expectations AND they often forgot to put love first. I know people in the church who've made judging others an artform. (I've been guilty as well.) Try wearing an Adidas athletic suit to church on Sunday morning and see how many "how tacky/inappropriate of her" looks you get. Of course the test has greater significance if you're married to one of the pastors.

Jesus said, "This is what our Scriptures come to teach: in everything, in every circumstance, do to others as you would have them do to you." (Matthew 7: 12)

You want to be listened to...listen to others.

You want to be accepted unconditionally...accept others unconditionally.

You want to be loved...love others.

And by "others" I don't just mean the people who are easy to like. Stop judging others and holding them up to your standards of righteousness. So what if someone wears shorts to church on Sunday morning. So what if someone enjoys a glass of wine on occasion. So what if someone lets loose a profanity or almost profanity. So what if someone doesn't discipline his children. So what if someone decorates her house differently than you, doesn't read the types of books you do, enjoys watching cheesy daytime talk-shows, thinks the King James Version of the Bible is the only God-ordained one, or even insists AVATAR is new-age, environmentalist propaganda. So what...

In his book THE END OF RELIGION, Bruxy Cavey wrote, "Jesus called His followers to live by a higher standard, the way of love instead of the way of the law. And to drive home His point, He had to break the rules over and over again." Amen!

Sometimes, though, we can't love others because we don't love ourselves. After all, we've been taught that love of self is wrong, prideful, arrogant. Loving self means we're not humble. You can't be a good Christian if you're not humble. So while we know it's wrong to belittle, criticize, devalue other people, we're completely fine with doing it to ourselves. I always mess up. I'm not smart. I'm not worthy to be loved by anyone, not even God. Ever said, "This may sound stupid to you, but I think...."? Why give people permission ahead of time to think your opinion/words/wonderings are stupid. Stop belittling yourself.

If this is you, start speaking truth over yourself. I personally like "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Or sing the words to David Cowder's song, Everything Glorious. "The day is brighter here with You, the night is lighter than its hue, would lead me to believe, which leads me to believe You make everything glorious, You make everything glorious, You make everything glorious, And I am Yours. What does that make me?" Thank God for the love He freely gives to you and learn to receive God's love so you can give love to yourself.

Listen, when you can't receive love, you will never be able to give love to those you like or to those you don't like. And until you are able to love freely, you will never really live.

"The Lord loves you when you feel you are unlovable. He loves you when others choose not to. He loves you with an everlasting love (Jer 31: 3). And it's His nature to call the unloved to Himself and make them loved (Rom. 9:25)." ~Frank Viola, FROM ETERNITY TO HERE: Rediscovering the Ageless Purpose of God

"After all falls apart, He repairs He repairs. Oh the Glory of it all is: He came here for the rescue of us all that we may live for the glory of it all. Oh He is here for redemption from the fall that we may live for the glory of it all." ~David Crowder Band, For the Glory of it All

God gave us the love we needed so we could give the love we need to give. We are meant to break free of the sin that ensnares us, to live like there is no tomorrow, to live a life to be followed. But even more so, we are created and called to...

Love Extravagantly.

"Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." (NLT)

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  Have you ever struggled with loving someone? Without naming names, what did you do to change the relationship or has nothing changed?
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  Is there a line between loving people and approving of their sin?
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  What steps do you feel you need to take to be free of your coffee addiction?
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  Why have you never listened to a David Crowder CD?
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To hear MercyMe's song "Goodbye Ordinary," click here or to hear David Crowder Band's song, "Everything Glorious," click here or here.